Twas That Night B4 Christmas
by Burningbridges
Summary: Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Superjail, not a creature was stirring, not even a possible she-male...


Lol, this was a totally random idea I had to do something Superjail-ish for Christmas (aside from some weird art), and people on DeviantArt seem to really like it, despite how stupid some parts of it really are. I actually wrote it for my own amusement, so the fact that people like it makes it more worthwhile to me. Either way, I still think it's funny. Honestly, I figured no one on DA would even read this, but people are still reading it, even after Christmas! I even started a contest on there to illustrate it!

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TWAS THAT NIGHT B4 CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Superjail,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a possible she-male.

Some inmates were hung from the wall with care,

In the hopes that we'd soon devise new tortures most unfair.

The other prisoners were nestled uncomfortably in their beds,

Wondering if tomorrow Alice would be smashing in their heads.

And Alice in her negligee, and I in my robe

Had just settled in, in our separate abodes

When somewhere nearby there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed and dressed like the Mad Hatter.

Away to my window I ran like the Flash,

Tore open the curtains and threw out my ass.

The moon peering through the storms clouds above,

Gave the cemetery shadows an appearance I could have never dreamed up.

When what to my groggy eyes should appear,

But a creepy guy in a red suit and eight things that vaguely resembled reindeer.

The red-suited driver seemed like a freaky old dick,

And it made me begin to wonder if it could possibly be St. Nick.

More rapid than Experiment Number 7, the reindeer-looking things they came,

And he whipped them, and cackled and yelled their eerie names:

"Now, Slasher! Now, Lancer! Now, Romancer and Nixon! On, Vomit! On, Stupid! On, Bomber and Bitchin'!

To the top of the prison, to the top of the wall,

Now dash away, dash away, or I'll kill you all!"

As robbers sneak through places dark hoping to steal and then fly,

Toward the front door he quietly crept, seemingly aware for this crime he might fry.

Up to aforementioned door he slipped,

Dragging the weird creatures along behind him with the reins in his grip.

And then in a twinkling, I heard in the next room,

The snorting and grumbling of creatures and goon.

As I snuck to the door, and was peering around,

The creepy red-suited mongrel glared in my direction, thinking he'd heard a sound.

He was dressed all in scroungy fur from his head to his shoes,

And his suit was stained with everything from cough medicine to booze.

An ax and a shovel were strapped to his back,

And at first impression, he looked like a grave-digging lumberjack.

His eyes how bloodshot, his expression how scary!

He looked like his mugshot would scare a blind fairy!

His pill-encrusted lips were drawn back in a scowl

And the fake beard on his face looked like a dead owl.

A quickly diminishing cigarette he held tight in his teeth

And the smoke that encircled his head made him cough up his beef.

He had a skeletal face, and a thin, muscular body

That looked quite diseased because of his unprotected sex and drug hobby.

He was mean and he was nasty, a downright disgusting old thief,

And I wanted to incarcerate him immediately.

A glint in his eye and the condition of the hat on his head

Soon filled me with all kinds of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went right to his work, grunting;

I ran to the phone, dialed and said, "Jared, get the others, we've got to do something!"

The crook rifled around looking for drugs and loot,

But what he wasn't expecting was someone to grab a hold of his suit.

"Jailbot," I said, "What a relief to see you,

This red-suited villain turned this place into a zoo!"

Trying to herd the creatures, he flung the bad guy across the room,

Where he landed on Jared with quite the KA-BOOM!

Once Alice had restrained the robber and held him bound,

We did some research and in his records we found

He tried to hotwire a convertible with no engine,

And stole the reindeer from a lab that practices vivisection

Then hitched the animals to the car with glee,

And rode off to Superjail to commit another robbery.

"The rest was brilliant, I'll give you that, but why try to steal from a prison, you know?"

The guy smiled innocently and said, "Ho ho ho."

Jared laid a finger aside of his nose,

And to ease his irritation at being woken so early, snorted some snow.

"Take him away!" said I to Alice,

And she drug him away with her usual malice;

Jared drug his feet back off to bed,

And Jailbot decided the reindeer were better off dead.

And I turn to exclaim, as they slunk out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and be at work early or you'll be jobless tonight!"

Alternative Ending:

Elbowing Alice in the boob, the red-suited freak sprang to his feet, to his team gave a cackle,

Jumped on one reindeer's back and took off like a scared grackle,

But I heard him exclaim 'ere he rode out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, you'll never take me alive!", and fled into the night.

Rejected lines:

"I in my robe, and Alice in her negligee, had just settled in for some Michael Bublé."

"Away to the window I ran like Gordon-comma-Flash."

"His drug-encrusted lips…" (reminded me too much of a Dave Chapelle Character)

"And the fake beard on his face emitted a smell quite foul."

"A downright ghoulish, old oaf."

"Thinking he'd called her a hoe, Alice fumed, and it was pretty obvious at this point that the felon was doomed."

"He quickly snorted a handful of snow." (That much coke would kill him)

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_Well, I hope you enjoyed the odd spectacle the just unraveled before you. I sure did. Thanks for reading!_


End file.
